It is hard to be someone else when all you want is to be your own self. Why?

So, I've been out the past two days. I was with Philip, Armi and her BF's nerd friends. Oh, I used the term 'nerd' to describe them because they are the brainy type of people who likes stuffs that require a high usage of brain powers. We played a game called 'Time's Up'. It is a really good and entertaining game. The only down side that I observed upon playing the cards is that you should know a lot of songs, TV shows and movies. It gave me a disadvantage because I wasn't raised up living a life of luxury wherein you have unlimited access to cable channels or the internet. So, I was basically dumbfounded on the first few minutes. Another game we played that I actually loved is the 'Word Street'. It is a type of board game, quite similar to Scrabbles because you're going to think about words and is also somehow similar to playing tug-of-war. We also played 'Telestrations' wherein you have a word that needs to be illustrated and guessed upon by others. We also played an online game called 'Spyfall' wherein of all the players, there is going to be one spy who will guess where are the players' location. It's basically a spy game.

Obviously, I pretty much enjoyed the day. Problem is, I actually felt like Cinderella too: when 12mn strikes you should be reminded to go back to your reality. And so I did.

My youngest sister texted me the following morning about how she feels so sulky about me and her Diche, our situation at home. There has been unsolved issues for so many years already and today, it made us grow apart from each other. We no longer talk about personal stuffs that's going around us anymore. We no longer even care to know each others whereabouts. My initial reaction was getting totally pissed off. My first reason is because I am not used to receiving a melodramatic rant from her. Second, I don't really want to be reminded about how problematic and depressing my actual life is-- my family, specifically. I don't like the feeling of getting bossed around about what am I supposed to do and not to do, especially when I am the eldest. But to be honest, maybe my sincere reaction is that I am actually hurt. Hurt by the fact that I was reminded how disappointing and carefree sister I was to them.

Just because someone doesn't open up problems with you, it doesn't necessarily mean that this person doesn't care at all. I hate to think about how people would generally think that just because you can't openly talk about your feelings, already means that you have nothing to say at all. Can't people think of reasons in a wider and deeper sense? You can't simply blame bottled-up people for not pouring their hearts out. As we all know, we are all different and unique individuals in different levels.

I hate it when people can't put themselves on others shoes to understand what they're going through. Surely, my sister's having a hard time too. I actually appreciate too that she told us what she's feeling. It's just that I am not prepared to be reminded again how helpless I am in our family situation. I've been striving to do the best I can for so many years. There are a lot of times when I can't help wishing to be just a robot machine so that I won't feel any pain; so that whenever people say to do these and that, I will surely follow without having to choose an option in my messy roulette of emotions.

What are my thoughts right now? Well, I am probably thinking about how difficult it is to be an eldest in the family. You have to set a good example as their role model. You have to perform a lot of responsibilities over them, not just over your life alone. Why? Simply because you are an eldest, and obviously because you have other sisters to look after. But wait, there's more! Add the fact that we are all growing up with the depressing pressures of living under a broken home. Yes, our parents were separated quite a long time ago, back when I am still a kid and my sisters are only toddlers. We never really got used to having them around us. Our mom is raising us along together with the help our relatives, especially in terms of physical aspects. So not only do I have the responsibilty of looking after them as their sister, but also as their mother and father. It is still really overwhelming to me. Many times I do think of just committing suicide to end all of this, times when I have to remind myself to be extremely strong and see the sun rays in every storms.

"It is hard to be someone else when all you want is to be your own self." I said to myself.

I want to shout to the world that I only want to be myself too; to enjoy being a kid during my development stage, to enjoy being a YOLO teen years ago, and today, to enjoy being a single young adult working on towards her self betterment. I had long accepted the fact that this is my story and I can't be envious of other families for I know they have their own issues, too. I am not complaining how I have so many responsibilities already despite being this young. I just hate the fact how life has messed my self-identity. It's like I have to choose and wear different costumes in fighting in a battle. Am I going to wear the eldest-bitch mode? Or am I going to wear the supermom cape? Or should I be wearing the father's armor?

Really, who am I when I just have to be my own? Who I really am when I am bare naked, wandering through the labyrinth of life with nothing but my thin layer of skin?