Diary of a Recovering Rain

RESPONSIBILITY: 'Ate' Duties

8:11 AM

It is hard to be someone else when all you want is to be your own self. Why?

So, I've been out the past two days. I was with Philip, Armi and her BF's nerd friends. Oh, I used the term 'nerd' to describe them because they are the brainy type of people who likes stuffs that require a high usage of brain powers. We played a game called 'Time's Up'. It is a really good and entertaining game. The only down side that I observed upon playing the cards is that you should know a lot of songs, TV shows and movies. It gave me a disadvantage because I wasn't raised up living a life of luxury wherein you have unlimited access to cable channels or the internet. So, I was basically dumbfounded on the first few minutes. Another game we played that I actually loved is the 'Word Street'. It is a type of board game, quite similar to Scrabbles because you're going to think about words and is also somehow similar to playing tug-of-war. We also played 'Telestrations' wherein you have a word that needs to be illustrated and guessed upon by others. We also played an online game called 'Spyfall' wherein of all the players, there is going to be one spy who will guess where are the players' location. It's basically a spy game.

Obviously, I pretty much enjoyed the day. Problem is, I actually felt like Cinderella too: when 12mn strikes you should be reminded to go back to your reality. And so I did.

My youngest sister texted me the following morning about how she feels so sulky about me and her Diche, our situation at home. There has been unsolved issues for so many years already and today, it made us grow apart from each other. We no longer talk about personal stuffs that's going around us anymore. We no longer even care to know each others whereabouts. My initial reaction was getting totally pissed off. My first reason is because I am not used to receiving a melodramatic rant from her. Second, I don't really want to be reminded about how problematic and depressing my actual life is-- my family, specifically. I don't like the feeling of getting bossed around about what am I supposed to do and not to do, especially when I am the eldest. But to be honest, maybe my sincere reaction is that I am actually hurt. Hurt by the fact that I was reminded how disappointing and carefree sister I was to them.

Just because someone doesn't open up problems with you, it doesn't necessarily mean that this person doesn't care at all. I hate to think about how people would generally think that just because you can't openly talk about your feelings, already means that you have nothing to say at all. Can't people think of reasons in a wider and deeper sense? You can't simply blame bottled-up people for not pouring their hearts out. As we all know, we are all different and unique individuals in different levels.

I hate it when people can't put themselves on others shoes to understand what they're going through. Surely, my sister's having a hard time too. I actually appreciate too that she told us what she's feeling. It's just that I am not prepared to be reminded again how helpless I am in our family situation. I've been striving to do the best I can for so many years. There are a lot of times when I can't help wishing to be just a robot machine so that I won't feel any pain; so that whenever people say to do these and that, I will surely follow without having to choose an option in my messy roulette of emotions.

What are my thoughts right now? Well, I am probably thinking about how difficult it is to be an eldest in the family. You have to set a good example as their role model. You have to perform a lot of responsibilities over them, not just over your life alone. Why? Simply because you are an eldest, and obviously because you have other sisters to look after. But wait, there's more! Add the fact that we are all growing up with the depressing pressures of living under a broken home. Yes, our parents were separated quite a long time ago, back when I am still a kid and my sisters are only toddlers. We never really got used to having them around us. Our mom is raising us along together with the help our relatives, especially in terms of physical aspects. So not only do I have the responsibilty of looking after them as their sister, but also as their mother and father. It is still really overwhelming to me. Many times I do think of just committing suicide to end all of this, times when I have to remind myself to be extremely strong and see the sun rays in every storms.

"It is hard to be someone else when all you want is to be your own self." I said to myself.

I want to shout to the world that I only want to be myself too; to enjoy being a kid during my development stage, to enjoy being a YOLO teen years ago, and today, to enjoy being a single young adult working on towards her self betterment. I had long accepted the fact that this is my story and I can't be envious of other families for I know they have their own issues, too. I am not complaining how I have so many responsibilities already despite being this young. I just hate the fact how life has messed my self-identity. It's like I have to choose and wear different costumes in fighting in a battle. Am I going to wear the eldest-bitch mode? Or am I going to wear the supermom cape? Or should I be wearing the father's armor?

Really, who am I when I just have to be my own? Who I really am when I am bare naked, wandering through the labyrinth of life with nothing but my thin layer of skin?

personal

Pluviophile: I am the Opposite

7:10 AM

Hello everyone! How's your day? Well, it's been a long and emotional day for me. This is just one of those days when I feel like I have an hourglass running out of sand while relentlessly holding onto it. I had two subjects in school today but I had six hours vacant in between. Can you even imagine it? Good thing my cousin has been with me to keep me company throughout that six-hours wait. Oh, we watched Jurassic World and that helped us slip through the clock.

Anyway, why am I writing in all of a sudden? I have a simple explanation.

"And when it rains: I write."

This phrase has been my mantra whenever it rains. I just feel the urge to write because just like the raindrops, and just like the water rushing throughout the pavements, my mind is also in a panic attack. Whenever it rains, I can feel my brain cells dancing 'Uptown Funk' in frenzy.

Have you ever heard of the word Pluviophile? It is actually one of my favorite word which means 'A lover of rain; someone who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days'. I personally know a few people who are actually pluviophiles. You would often hear them describing how calm and relax they are whenever it rains. Well, as for me, it was the exact opposite. I can't exactly explain why but I just feel it deep within my bones; something is crippling, aching, crying out, even wanting to break free. I love the fact that the rain can wash away all the dirt from yesterdays. I love the fact of imagining that these raindrops can wash away all the pain that a person is carrying. I love the fact of thinking how it brings relief to those people who are always in a hurry. But I hate the fact that I feel all the pain at once as it washes theirs. I would often have this feeling of emptiness and sadness, when every little melodramatic memories come flashing back to the present. I hate the fact that this same rain puts me into a deep coma of nostalgia. I am not being too much of an emotional brat here, but I feel it. It was always there. Sometimes I would ask myself: "Why can't I love the rain? Why do I have to feel something heavy in my chest? Why do I have to remember everything at once when I am looking for peace of mind?" As time goes by, I learned to actually embrace this fact about me. I would like to think of it as one of my quirks! Instead of being carried away by this feeling, I try to think how it makes me whole. It makes me whole because it is ME, after all. People have been telling me that I am too much of a sensitive type, but I also learned that maybe this is what all the world needs to change something?

This is the world we are in. No matter how chaotic your brain is, no matter how weird you might be, or no matter how you get these "feels" for many things, always remember that just like the rain, we all have that intensity to turn the not-so-pretty days into a wonderful one. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be empathic. Whenever tough things rain down on you, just keep in mind that these things are also the key to wash it all away. Keep the feeling alive. Just keep feeling. Accept yourself for who you are, not what the world wants you to be. The world is big, don't let that single rain drop drown you on your own manholes. It's okay... Everything's going to be fine, I promise. Keep on loving and hating the rain. Keep on loving yourself and your life. Hang in there!

I write when I am at my extremes. I write when it's raining.

I am a mess with my own thoughts and I almost always never get it right. But let me tell you something, I just want to write and express everything, even when no one would listen nor read. That is how I live to love, believe and fight.

I am, but the Recovering Rain.

birthday

Happy 12mn, Darling!

10:10 AM

blogging

10:48 PM

Diary of a Recovering Rain

Favorited: 'The Invitation'

RESPONSIBILITY: 'Ate' Duties

Pluviophile: I am the Opposite

Happy 12mn, Darling!

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